- The Force awakens, then hits the snooze button for just 10 more minutes, honest.
- Luke sends a cheek swab to 23AndMe in the hopes that Leia isn't really his blood sibling. Sadly, she is. The weird thing, though, is that so is Jar-Jar. The upcoming family reunion is promptly canceled.
- Padme falls into a deep slumber after eating a poisoned pickled space worm. Her only hope of waking is a kiss from a royal. Chewbacca misunderstands this as "a kiss from a loyal" and obliges. Strangely, it works.
- R2-D2 and C-3PO finally proclaim their love for each other. They ditch the whole fighting thing to become spokesbots for inter-droid marriage rights.
There. Now you don't have to see it and you can stop talking about it.
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